Tonight I participated in a seminar about Understanding Anxiety with Phill Warner, founder of Strong Enough. Before he started he asked if anyone would like to share the reason why they were there. This was a tricky question for me. Although everybody else had an answer right away I had a hard time putting my thoughts together.
I've been suffering with depression and anxiety for a few years now. The reason why I went there was to try to understand something that I can't even explain. I went there hoping to find some answers for why I feel the way I feel.
It was a very clarifying class, and I took good notes I'll be always reaching out to. Something interesting he mentioned was the importance of writing down how we feel instead of throwing all our trashy feelings of sarcasm and criticism over other people.
A while ago I wrote about my feelings of depression and anxiety:
"It intrigues me that more than 300 million people of all ages worldwide suffer from depression and yet it is something so underestimated and misunderstood. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for the past four years. Yep! I bet you didn't know that. That's just one of the things about depression: many times what you see outside doesn't represent what is going on inside.
Throughout these years I've heard things like: "You are not sick", "It's all in your mind", "You can decide to be happy", "You can decide to wake up happy", "You don't need medication, just control yourself", "You have to take these feelings out of your heart", and so much more I can't even remember right now.
If you have ever asked these questions, or even thought in asking these questions to anyone suffering with anxiety and depression, please, STOP. Stop and know that depression is a mental health disorder and it needs to be treated. It is not "all in our minds" or "in our hearts", and it is not about "controlling ourselves".
When I am sick with anxiety and depression my world is a mess- chaotic, overwhelming, confusing, lonely and dark. Really dark. A very sad place to be. I feel like everything is out of place, and I won't ever be able to fix my broken life no matter how hard I try. And, oh boy, I try!
Every day I wake up battling myself, trying to reach the surface while drowning in my own feelings of hopeless. I have to work extra hard to find myself and try to be at least an average mom, average wife, and average friend. And at the end of the day I don't even feel average.
The depression tells me: You are not good, you are useless, and everybody is better and can do better than you. Then I feel lost, inadequate, and pointless. Nothing makes sense in my life, and I constantly ask myself: "What am I still doing here? I am not fit to remain in this world".
Depression is more painful than it looks and words can express. I know it is hard to understand when I can't even fully understand myself. But in the meantime DON'T DISMISS what I am going through. It might be invisible to you, but it is so real to me. Please, validate what I am felling instead of advising: "It will pass", "Focus on the good things", "Count your blessings", and so forth. And most importantly, be there for me when I can't be there for myself. Help me instead of saying "Go find help". With your support and love soon I'll be my self again. I promise".
